HOW (NOT) TO PRAISE YOUR child

Did you know that what you praise your child for and how you do it can have huge implications for how they think, feel and behave in the future?

Think of it as a double-edged sword: wielded correctly and it can increase your child’s resilience, attitude and motivation to learn – used recklessly, it can result in narcissism, anxiety and a limiting mindset.

So, here is what the most recent psychological research says on the do’s and don’ts of praising your children:

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Three ways not to use praise

Praise can have an unintentional negative impact on children when it falls into one of three categories: if it is excessive, if it focuses on their natural ability or if it is used in comparison to others.

If Praise Is Excessive

Praise is best thought of like penicillin. It ought to not be administered haphazardly, and excessive doses can make children immune to it. For example, one study found that too much praise often comes across as patronising, and results in children performing only the most basic behaviours asked of them, because they think they will be rewarded for it.

If praise focuses on natural ability

When children do well in an exam or on a piece of work, evidence suggests that the most common praise they hear is that they are ‘a smart boy’ or ‘such a smart girl’. This type of praise often leads to children developing a fixed mindset, which is where they believe their gifts and talents alone are what makes them successful, not what they finish with them. evidence suggests that this can result in excessive stress, shaky confidence and ultimately with them disengaging from the task at hand.

If praise is used comparatively

Recent research has shown that parents praising their child by comparing them to others (e.g. “You were so much better than X”) can result in negative outcomes. When children are continuously given luxurious praise and are seen by their parents as being much more entitled than others, they often come to believe that they are in fact superior. This subsequently leads to enhanced levels of narcissism. continuously measuring oneself against others is a poor long strategy, as it depends on other people being present to stay motivated.

How to use Praise Properly: The 3 S’s of Purposeful Praise

Recent research has shown that the type of praise that parents give their children at a young age can have a long-lasting effect on their mindset and motivation. The researchers found that process praise, which focuses on a child’s effort (for example: “good job trying to put that back”), is a much exceptional form of praise compared to person praise, which highlights positive, fixed characteristics (e.g. “You’re such a smart Camiseta AC Milan girl”). This is because process praise allows a child to develop a positive, motivational framework, where they believe they can improve that if they put in the required effort, which in turn leads to enhanced achievement over time.

The best way to think about praise is to focus on the behaviours you want to see next time in your children. We call this ‘purposeful praise’. everything else is just hot air. To help guarantee your praise is purposeful, it ought to fall into one of these 3 S’s:

Selectively – What are the values and behaviours you value the most in your house? If you believe effort, resilience and determination are important, then be sure to voice this to your children through praise when they demonstrate it.  

Sparingly – too much of anything is bad for someone. Sometimes, less is more. By consciously choosing when to praise your child, it will resonate for longer.

Specifically – A scatter gun method rarely works, so target the moments that they will remember most. evidence suggests that this may be when they experience a Camiseta Wolverhampton Wanderers setback or disappointment. Praising what they did well guarantees they will maintain motivation for Camiseta Cruz Azul next time.

Final thought

Praise can be one of the most effective tools at a parent’s disposal. Sometimes, in the rush to build up our children’s self-esteem, it can end up being used clumsily, chaotically and carelessly. Praise is how we communicate to our children what we think matters and what’s important. When saw in this light, it makes much much more sense to praise the processes, behaviours and attitudes that you think result in both better learning and development.